TEN COMMANDMENTS: INSTAGRAM

June 21, 2015
Processed with VSCOcam with b5 preset

Ever take a look at an instagram feed and think “these photos are awesome but why are they just so DAMNED yellow?!”
(Insider tip: if you don’t think so then I bet some of your followers probably do – oops.)
So, let’s have a lesson in picture purity shall we?

1. Thou shalt not EVER, under any circumstance, use instagram as an Editing App.
Contrary to popular belief, Instagram is not in fact an editing app (well it is, but it really shouldn’t be). Taylor swift makes music. Does it have to be listened to? Not as long as 8tracks is around. Instagram should be treated purely as a platform for beautiful imagery that should technically be shot with a mobile phone but let’s face it, we all have that one account that constantly hashtags #canon600D – we see you.

2. Remember VSCOcam and keep it holy.
The VSCOcam app is the moët of mobile editing software – you’re going to wanna drink that ish in. Seriously; if you haven’t downloaded the app I implore you to get your eyeballs off of this blog and join us in the 21st  century – get involved.

3. Thou shalt not over-expose or over-sharpen.
Pixelated images of ghosts are just plain scary. Are you trying to look like a nintendo character with a bad case of the flu? Stahp! Don’t push either tool up further than two points to avoid the afore mentioned techno-phantom look.

4. Honor thy brightness and whiteness.
Honor the afore mentioned so that all may be well with your account and that you may live long in the cybersphere. I don’t know about you but my eyes catch fire each time they bare witness to a mustard coloured image of a blue sky that now looks green thanks to poor filtering. Bye felicia. Get it white. (da dum tssssh).

5. Thou shalt not tag unessacarily.
#nooneiseverinlifegoingtosearchthishashtag #dontdoit #forrealsthough #onlytag #tags #thatpeople #actually #search #like #vscocam #or #fashion #or #music #etc

6. Thou shalt not commit colour-blocking.
Okay so you’re into the rectangular style of instagramming? Amazing. You’re amazing. Your photos are amazing. This is amazing. Until you filter your beautifully newly-white-square-actually-rectangle photograph through an editor and subsequently turn the white a pale shade of yellow/pink/blue/rainbow. First edit your image and THEN take it to whitagram. R10 says it’ll look better and R10s never lie. 

7. Thou shalt not bare false credit against thy neighbor.
Be polite people. The insta-sphere is a world too. You wouldn’t just go and wearing someone else’s clothes without asking them and call them your own now would you? Okay maybe you would but you probably shouldn’t because that’s not good manners. If you’re happy to take the credit for someone else’s vision/work/style then you might need to re-visit the morals and ethics section of matric Life Orientation. Someone (a photographer perhaps) snaps a pic on your phone and you upload it without credit, as your own. No. Credit where due. Regram and tag too, you’ll thank your lucky likes later.

8. Thou shalt not only photograph macarons.
Or selfies. SNOOZE. Mix it up yo. Show people how you see the world, not what the world already sees. Unless your life literally consists of your intimate relationship with yourself and french delicacies, do yourself and your followers a favour and branch out a little. Maybe snap a donut if you’re feeling really daring?

9. Thou shalt not vignette.
Unfollow. Unfollow them ALL. 

10. Thou shalt not caption crap.
Scans feed. Sees cute puppy. Reads caption below said puppy. Ponders the relation between pooch and captioned period problems. Perhaps media studies scarred me into social media snobbery but c’maaaaan let the caption suit the mood of the image at least! 

P.S. If celebrities and bloggers can forsake these ideals of instagram, chances are you and I sometimes forsake them too.

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No Comments

  • Reply Irwineyes June 1, 2015 at 7:17 AM

    I really enjoyed reading this blog and the humor was spot on. It was Instagood and the community that can be attained from using it is just magnificent if you ask me.

  • Reply Ash June 1, 2015 at 8:39 AM

    LAAWD. Those editing things. Unfollow x sooomany.

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